March 22, 2023

Elon Musk seems to be making Twitter the worst prize ever

Elon Musk poses in costume at Heidi Klum's Halloween party.

Picture: Taylor Hill (Getty Images)

Twitter, a social media site that has spawned one A24 film and too many crashes to quantify, is about to jump into its next spiral of hell with the soon to be implemented extensive commercialization.

With a new $8 per month subscription to Twitter Blue to be released after the midterm electionsyou can get a blue confirmation badge (and other features) without confirming your identity and get banned immediately for pretending to be someone else. New owner and CEO Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, whose sense of comedy is fading walking into Twitter headquarters sink with and humbly going, “Hehehe! Let it sink in!” says that his reign and offer of revenue doesn’t just legitimize comedybut it will also come “democratize journalism” somehow. Indeed, he gets most of this Monty Python draft.

But Musk may soon be inspired of pay-to-win video games, also. November 2nd Musk replied favorable to game designer and gamification expert Adrian Honi’s (sarcastic) Twitter thread describing “real gamification” on Twitter and jokingly suggesting adding Twitter to video game features such as “Twitter Battle Pass, achievements, happy hour, pipes, and more!”

Not everyone seemed to understand that Hon was joking, not even comedy expert Musk, who said Hon’s thread had “some good ideas.”

Well, if Musk is taking suggestions from gamers, I feel like I should offer some of my own.

Twitter coins

I’m guessing Twitter will eventually add a heads-up display to their homepage that tells you not only how many followers you have, but important stats like total time on Twitter or XP, kill count (how many times a guy named Bobby replies to one of your benign tweets is a command to drink bleach) and your current Twitter coin count.

I recommend Twitter Coins as an in-app currency that you can buy at a generous 3-to-1 ratio – $300 per 100 Twitter Coins – which gives you the opportunity to unlock more of the important Twitter Blue features I recommend below.

And I know $3 for one Twitter coin seems a bit unfair, but how else can you expect Musk to pay off $13 billion in debt (not including $1.2 billion in interest payments Twitter is expected to do this year) he owes after his $44 billion acquisition? Liquidating some of its $208 billion net worth? No, that makes too much sense.

Class system

Twitter Coins allow you to purchase exclusive starter rates including but not limited to:

  • Horny with sunglasses
  • A man with zero followers who believes Marshall tapped his Samsung TV
  • The reporter who got burned out (and quit)
  • The woman with zero followers who started a petition to delay BTS’ military service
  • The woman with 15 followers who started a petition to stop BTS from bugging her Samsung TV

Each class has its own themed starter kit – for example, Horny With Sunglasses automatically gives you 35 followers who wear sunglasses in their profile picture and a one-month subscription to a language learning site of your choice so you can say “dirty girl” a few different ways.

These hours are available for a low base price of 5,000 Twitter Coins, but you can add priceless add-ons like the Reply Guy (who has a paltry 30 minute cooldown while he looks at your Instagram photos to get a thumbs up). 500 Coins or Viral Tweet (applies to all tweets about a hunting-centric reality TV show Below decks in Bravo) for 650 coins.

Unprecedented avatars

Once you’ve chosen your starting class, it’s time to start customizing. Musk already considering adding “cool stuff” to Twitter Blue subscriptions like animated bannersbut I will say that he takes this idea a step further by using high-tech 3D avatars as your profile picture.

have you ever been a jungle-themed restaurant chain Location of Rainforest Cafe? They are beautifully haunting tree frog sculptures. 3D Twitter Avatars are pretty much exactly that.

When you buy a Twitter Avatar with a paltry $50,000 in Twitter Coins, you’re in control. This includes facial features, body type, and whether your Avatar is wearing an “I Love the Song ‘Drive” by Incubus” t-shirt (I’m still working on clothing options). Place your order and wait a scant 45 business days for delivery. That’s right, delivery.

Twitter avatars are really 3D, shaped and cast from the same iconic mix of steel and aluminum that destroys a Tesla on contact with a red light. To hell with downloadable content, we’re in the future! We should crash our car even more often.

If you want to use Twitter avatars as your profile picture, just take a photo and upload it. Yes folks, it’s that easy. If you want, you can complete your photo with a Legendary profile picture pack for 10 coins per week. This will add a 40 second fireworks gif that pops up every time Musk’s content control plan lead to hitting someone.

Uploading a photo costs 50 coins. You should also send DM Musk the line “You are so genius and rich, dad“every other week to prove you believe in freedom of speech.

Remember to send a DM. Your Twitter Blue subscription will end immediately and the bank will take your pet or Funko Pop! collection, whichever is more valuable.

Secret ending

After spending at least $250,000 in Twitter Coins, you’ll be lucky enough to unlock the secret end of Twitter. I can’t give you too many details because it’s a secret, but I can say it involves bankruptcy.

Now seriously: it’s clear that the future of Twitter’s pay-to-win is in doubt. Are you ready for it?

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